Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Your cock deserves a montage
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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