I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
