Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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