So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
17 year olds will be the death of me.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
