After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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