i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The feeling are messing with the penis
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
