is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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