I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
