is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
