Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
