No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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