I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
