i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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