i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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