i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
