can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
