new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
