is your mom at the bar?
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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