At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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