When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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