The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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