Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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