3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
