please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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