It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
