i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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