I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
