I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
