went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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