haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
