You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize