Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
