I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
