its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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