So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
