I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
