im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
