So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Randomize
