When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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