we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
