I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
