god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
