Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Randomize
