i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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