So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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