Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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