1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
