why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
