My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
