She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
