That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
